


Losing You, Losing Myself

by Kimmimaru



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Angst, Clack if you want it to be, Drabble, M/M, mentions of science experiments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-07-23 19:23:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7476726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kimmimaru/pseuds/Kimmimaru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of Zack's more depressing thoughts whilst he's in Hojo's hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing You, Losing Myself

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I'm feeling pretty low atm and I decided to take it out on some fictional characters, normally it'd be Cloud but I wanted a change so Zack's getting my angst! Yay!

I'm losing you. It's in your eyes, in your face, in your body. I see it so clearly and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Damn these walls. Damn this prison. We're trapped, trapped and lost. I wonder, in my darker moments, whether anyone will remember us. I wonder if my mom and dad think I'm dead. I wonder, as I hold your shaking body in my weak arms, whether I'll live to see another day. I close my eyes and see you, as I saw you the first time we met; blond hair glimmering in the cold sunshine, a light flush on your cheeks from the cold mountain air and looking so alive, so beautifully alive that it makes me want to cry. Now the colour's left your face, you're weak and shivering and the cell we're in is damp and cold. 

How long have we been here? Time's pretty meaningless now. The light in your eyes that you had when we were in Modeoheim has died, it went out the first time Hojo had you in one of his torture chambers. It's gone, like our hope. I remember when I first joined ShinRa, how excited I'd been, how awe-inspiring Midgar had been but now it's all dust and ashes, now that joy tastes so bitter. I would spit it out if I could. I lapped up their lies like a thirsty dog, I ate everything they gave me and never once bothered to ask why. I never questioned, I never wondered why I should kill these men because they were enemies and enemies need to be destroyed. I wonder, in the dark of our cell, what would have happened if I'd bothered to use my head instead of chasing a lie. I look at you, a victim of ShinRa's greed and twisted scientific practises and I ask myself again; why? You're still a kid, you had your whole future ahead of you and they've ripped it all away. They've thrown us out like so much stinking garbage. Sixteen. Sixteen years old the last time I asked and you're lying on the floor, wearing filthy rags drenched in mako and barely concious. 

I wanna take away your pain, it's my fault you're in this mess. My fault just as much as ShinRa's. I saw your hero-worship, I saw the way you began to look at me and yeah...I kinda liked it. I never got that kind of treatment, not when Sephiroth was around. Why would anyone look at me when he's stood at my side? I fall into a doze with memories of him in my head and it sits like acid in my stomach. When they come for us again, for more showers of mako, for more injections, I know that I'm gunna lose another piece of myself. I'm going to lose more of you and I can't save you. I can't help us. I'm no hero.

I talk to you as you lie in my arms, shuddering and groaning. I tell you all about Aerith, about her flower garden and her gentleness. I tell you about that time when I was eight and had my first kiss, I tell you about the time I got the weird shaped scar on my elbow. I talk and talk, remembering my life as if it'd belonged to another person. I don't feel like me anymore, I feel numb and apathetic. My body aches, my mind's filled with inane chatter from voices that don't have a source. I try and talk through it, I try and remember who I was and by doing so hope that you remember who you were too.

I'm losing you. I'm losing myself. We're gunna die down here. The last thing we're gunna see is Hojo's smug face smiling down at us, those harsh, bright lights sending spots across our vision. We're dying. We're fading away on a tide of green, we're in agony and sometimes I can't tell if it's you answering my constant chatter or if its all inside my own head. I can hear you, your voice is clear and I can still see your smile. Even as you lie in a stupor on the cold stone floor, eyes gazing blankly into space and body as limp as a ragdoll's, I hear you muttering to me. Please don't leave me, Cloud...I'm not strong enough to do this alone...not anymore.

I'm so cold. My fingers are numb, my eyes blind. I part my chapped lips, allowing your name to escape them, I reach for you but my fingers only touch glass. I manage, somehow, to open my eyes and I'm gazing out on an empty lab. We're alone now...we've been alone for weeks...they're not coming back. They've left us here to slowly rot away. I can see you beside me, floating in your own tank, head low and eyes hidden from me. I close my own again. All I wanna do is sleep now. Sleep forever and never wake up, because I can't do it anymore. I was never as strong as I liked to think. I couldn't beat Sephiroth, I couldn't stop you from being hurt, I couldn't protect the town...I'm no hero. I never was.

...Cloud...forgive me, please. Don't let me be alone, don't let me die here...Cloud...please...


End file.
